RELATIONSHIPS
Marriage or relationship therapy:
Marriages and long term relationships inevitable encounter times of conflict. In these times we have a choice: to allow the conflict to fester and destroy the relationship; or the work through it and grow both individually and as a couple. The problem is that we often cannot see our way out of the miscommunications or negative patterns that have emerged in our relationships.
In marriage counselling you can:
- Learn speak in a way that your partner will be able to hear you, and to listen in a way that you can really understand them;
- Understand and change negative patterns of relating;
- Work through past hurts and build trust.
As children we create a template of what love should be based on both the positive and negative attributes of our parents or care givers. When we fall in love, we tend to be attracted to someone who fits this template. At first we see only the positive aspects of our love template in them, but over time we begin to see the negative elements. The traits in our partner that remind us of negative aspects of our early parenting tend to hook childhood hurts and evoke intense emotions that we often project onto our partner. If we can understand and deal with our childhood hurts, we can separate out our rational and present feelings towards our partner from our child emotions.
As children we also create deep rooted self-perceptions and beliefs about what we can expect in relationships. Very often we play out these unconscious beliefs by unintentionally misinterpreting our partner in a way that confirms these old beliefs; or by setting our partner up to unwittingly repeat our old patterns and confirm our self-fulfilling prophesies. We may also seek to play out these patterns by selectively paying attention to evidence from our partner’s behaviour that confirms our deep beliefs, and by dismissing communications or actions from them that conflict with our these beliefs. Sometimes we even imagine our partner to be saying, feeling or doing things according to our unconscious expectations. By understanding our own self perceptions and beliefs about relationships, we can become conscious of when our patterns are playing out in our marriage and create the possibility of change.
Family dynamics can have a significant impact on individual members and can create life-long self-perceptions and beliefs about the world. Because families are often the source of our deepest insecurities, conflict within families can be exceptionally hurtful and difficult to cope with. Family therapy can assist in fostering communication and understanding between family members and resolving conflict. In family therapy, individual members can also develop an understanding of the origins of their relationship patterns that may be affecting other relationships or may affect future relationships with friends, spouses or children.
Parenting is the most important job in the world, and yet very few of us engage in any training to gain the skills we need. When parenting a child, you are the primary source of information for that child about who they are and what they should expect from the world. Both through what you say and how you interact with you child, you shape their life-long self-perceptions and behaviour patterns. When issues arise with a child, this can trigger a parent’s own fears, guilt or insecurities which can set up a negative pattern of relating between parent and child. Psychological input on parenting issues can assist you to understand and change your responses to your child, so as to change the dynamics of your relationship and thereby change the child’s patterns of behaviour. It can also offer tailored parenting strategies to help you address your child’s unique issues.
Homosexual relationships are susceptible to many of the same sources of conflict as heterosexual relationships; however there are also some unique challenges that face same sex relationships. Therapy with a psychologist experienced in same sex relationship counselling can address all these issues, so that you can grow both individually and as a couple.
As children we all create a template of what love should be based on both the positive and negative attributes of our parents or care givers, and we tend to be attracted to someone who fits this template. At first we see only the positive aspects of our love template in them, but over time we begin to see the negative elements. The traits in our partner that remind us of negative aspects of our early parenting tend to hook childhood hurts and evoke intense emotions that we often project onto our partner.
As children we also create deep rooted self-perceptions and beliefs about what we can expect in relationships. Very often we play out these unconscious beliefs by unintentionally misinterpreting our partner in a way that confirms these old beliefs; or by setting our partner up to unwittingly repeat our old patterns and confirm our self-fulfilling prophesies. We may also seek to play out these patterns by selectively paying attention to evidence from our partner’s behaviour that confirms our deep beliefs, and by dismissing communications or actions from them that conflict with our these beliefs. Sometimes we even imagine our partner to be saying, feeling or doing things according to our unconscious expectations.
It is at these times that conflict arises and there is a temptation to end the relationship and move on to a new partner, but very often we just begin the same process again. In therapy, you can learn about the beliefs and patterns of both yourself and your partner. You can recognise your own beliefs, patterns and childhood hurts so that you can change your reactions, and you can begin to recognise your partner’s beliefs, patterns and childhood hurts so that you can correctly interpret their reactions. In so doing, it becomes possible to move past the initial phase of conflict in a relationship and to develop a long lasting love, as well as the skills to weather future conflict.
- It may be that you struggle with finding the right person or have trouble developing intimacy;
- Or it may be that you find it easy to fall in love, but staying in love is the problem;
- Or you it may be that you repeatedly choose partners that hurt and reject you.
No matter where your issue lies, difficulties finding or maintaining a healthy and lasting relationship almost always stem from childhood dynamics. Even the best parents cannot be perfect, and our early attachments create unconscious patterns of relating that we tend to play out in endless self-fulfilling prophesies. Understanding and changing the beliefs that you developed in early life can allow you to change the template through which you view relationships, so that you can choose a more appropriate partner and develop a healthy lasting relationship.
ADDICTIONS
Addiction occurs on two different levels, both of which create intense and almost irresistible urges and craving to repeat the drug use, even in the face of over whelming negative consequences to health, finances, relationships, etc. You may become physiologically addicted to a substance when your body adapts itself to incorporate the drug into its normal functioning so you may experience severe withdrawal symptoms when the drug is not consumed. Or you may become psychologically addicted to a substance, when your brain creates an instinctual connection between the drug and the experience of pleasure or alleviation of physical or emotional pain. For a person addicted to drugs, the instinctual drive to use their substance of choice can be greater than hunger, thirst, social communication or sex, and even laboratory animals have been seen to choose cocaine over food until they starve.
In order to overcome addiction it is essential to get medical and psychological help. Therapy can assist in overcoming addictions by:
- Identifying triggers and warning signs for drug use;
- Changing unconscious beliefs and conscious thinking patterns;
- Improving life skills and daily functioning;
- Creating support structures.
And by addressing:
- Relationship problems;
- Self-esteem issues;
- Underlying emotional pain, trauma, or psychological disorders.
Pornography addiction is an issue that has been only recently been acknowledged by the medical community as having a psychological basis, and many people who suffer from this addiction continue to live in secret shame. Pornography addiction operates in a similar manner to any other psychological addiction. The viewing of the pornography releases pleasure chemicals in the brain, much like consuming a drug, and therefore viewing pornography can provide a period of relief from psychological discomfort such as stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, relationship conflict, etc. The human brain is programmed to repeat behaviours that create pleasure or reduce pain and so the brain creates a powerful unconscious association between pornography and positive feelings, known as reinforcement. Even though there may be significant negative consequences to the person’s behaviour in the longer term, the positive connection has already been made in the brain and they are instinctively driven back to the behaviour, particularly when they are experiencing emotional discomfort.
Therapy can assist with pornography addiction on many different levels. Firstly, in therapy the person can come to understand the unconscious motivators and patterns that perpetuate the pornography addiction. They can alleviate guilt and shame by realising that the behaviour is addictive, and that it is as difficult for them to stop viewing pornography as it is for a drug addict to stop using. Secondly, therapy can allow the person to make changes in the issues that could be causing psychological discomfort or shift the thoughts and feelings that lead to the need to view pornography. Thereby it becomes possible to make changes in the behaviour that are easier to maintain. Thirdly, therapy can assist the person to share their issue with loved ones and thereby reduce the additional issues of deception and dishonesty in relationships. And finally, the therapist can help loved ones understand the nature of pornography addiction to reduce their concern and their criticism.
Being over-weight is often perceived by society as a simple issue of poor eating and exercise habits that can be changed by improving knowledge around good lifestyle choices; fear of health and social consequences of being over-weight; and good old fashioned self-discipline. In recent years, however, there has been an increasing understanding in the medical community that over eating has many parallels with addiction, and is caused by a complex interaction between physical and psychological issues.
Psychologically speaking, over eating is usually the result of unconscious beliefs and feelings that may conflict with conscious desires or goals. These unconscious beliefs and feelings then change the way we act without us knowing why. These unconscious pressures are unique to each individual, but there are some common themes. For some people, over eating can be a form of self-sabotage due to an unconscious belief for some people that they don’t really deserve to be thin and happy. For others, eating is a symbolic act of self-nurture, perhaps because they felt uncared for as a child. For some, being over-weight is a rebellion against the social pressure to be thin in order to be acceptable. While for others being overweight can be a means of self-protection.
The first phase of therapy is to identify the core beliefs, thought patterns and feelings that motivate the eating behaviours, and to piece together the puzzle of self-fulfilling prophesies and vicious cycles that perpetuate them. The second phase is to develop self-acceptance and to reduce guilt and shame. Many people believe that guilt and shame will motivate them to change, when in fact it creates self-sabotage, rebellion and unhappiness that prevents change. In order to change, we have to accept and love ourselves so that we feel we are worth the effort. The third phase is to shift unconscious motivators for over-eating, and resistances to healthy life style choices. The final phase is to set healthy, realistic goals and to ensure that your feelings towards those goals are positive. So for example eating becomes about nourishing your body instead of nurturing it, and exercise becomes about energising your body instead of punishing it. When you change the unconscious beliefs and patterns that have shaped your eating behaviour, the lifestyle changes you make become natural and easier to maintain.
DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, TRAUMA
Depression is a real and serious issue and it is important that someone suffering from depression should receive psychological treatment. There are some specific warning signs that can indicate the presence of a depression:
- Depressed mood, sadness, tearfulness or irritability;
- Changes in appetite or weight, either an increase or decrease could be significant;
- Changes in sleeping patterns, either insomnia or excessive sleeping;
- Social withdrawal and lack of desire to be with other people;
- Decreased desire to take part in activities that were previously enjoyed;
- Decreased sex drive, if appropriate.
Depression can have many causes and can take many different forms. A psychologist will be able to diagnose the type of depression and create a management plan that may include referrals to other health professionals in conjunction with psychotherapy. Therapy can assist by identifying and changing the negative core beliefs that can contribute to depressed thoughts and feelings. It can assist in changing negative thinking patterns and developing different perspectives. It can allow the client a space to express and deal with repressed feelings; and it can assist in developing coping strategies and communication skills.
Anxiety comes in many different forms, and can vary from mild to severe and debilitating. It can take the form of generalised anxiety; social anxiety; phobias; or even panic attacks. There are some signs that suggest that anxiety is becoming problematic:
- Worried thoughts and feeling that are disproportionate to the situation;
- Difficulty controlling anxiety, trouble relaxing, or intrusive worrisome thoughts;
- Sleep disturbances;
- Irritability, concentration difficulties, or feeling easily worn out;
- Anxiety accompanied by physical symptoms, such as rapid heart rate, sweating, shaking, difficulty breathing, or chest pain.
These symptoms are likely to occur in specific situations or can be triggered by certain things or events; or they may occur without an obvious reason.
Anxiety involves a complex interaction between the brain and the body, and treatment needs to address the anxiety on multiple different levels. Therapy can assist to challenge and change the beliefs and thoughts that trigger and perpetuate the anxiety response. Most feelings are activated by thoughts, which cause the release of chemicals in the body and the brain. If you can develop skills to alter your thinking patterns, you can change which chemicals are released and therefore change the way you feel both mentally and physically. Therapy can also teach you breathing and relaxation techniques to reduce the physical anxiety symptoms.
Trauma comes in many different forms and can occur at any time in our lives. With any trauma, there are common issues that arise and can have a devastating impact on psychological well-being. For many people, a trauma will change their basic sense of the safety and stability of the world and this can lead to depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress. Therapy can provide a space to discuss the trauma in detail, so as to express and make sense of the events and your thoughts and feelings around them. It can assist you to become conscious of how the trauma may have changed your feelings and beliefs about yourself and the world, so that you can make conscious choices regarding how to go forward in your life.
LIFE
Although the stigma around seeking psychological help has lessened in recent years, there remains a social perception that therapy is a last resort that a person turns to when they are not strong enough or capable enough to deal with a psychological problem on their own. Many people feel that their issue is not severe enough to seek therapy or that if they just ignore their problem it will go away on its own. The reality is that small problems have a tendency to snowball into bigger problems, and therefore the sooner an issue can be dealt with, the better. In any life issue, therapy can assist you to deal with the problem so that it does not continue to create future difficulties. It can assist you to deal with any underlying feelings or beliefs that may have contributed to the development of the issue so that a similar issue does not develop in future.